My sixth sense

OH MY GOD so what if I have a sixth sense? Because it seems like when something is not right, my ovaries hurt! Unless there is a great risk in why I'm in pain then perhaps I should go to the doctor! But I don't know. Something seems to be out of place! And I really want to know what it is. This has happened before though and when I fought my way  through to the truth, I was crushed. That happened when I was 19. All though the circumstances are not the same, I have the same feeling. Something is out of place. Something is not right.  Perhaps I am looking for the answer or answerS in the wrong place... PLACE PLACE PLACE PLACE. Why am I repeating myself? 

(speaking to myself) "Because place has a lot to do with it that's why Abigail!" 

But you see person who is reading this nonsense.. Even though I got hurt the last time I found out, I insist on finding out every time something seems to be wrong, and usually every time I do, I get hurt, but if I think about it, I am glad I found out because if I didn't, then... well I would be hurting non stop! Oh dear reader you don't understand my jibber jabber! My point is. . . I know that once I find out what is not in place, I will be crushed and hurt like all the other times, but you see reader. I am not 19 anymore. And 21 year old me is happy not to be 19 anymore. In fact, I'm happy I am not 8, I am happy I am not 12, I am happy I am not 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, and I am extremely happy to not be 20. But 21, oh how I liked being 21. 21 was when I was finally able to be myself! Finally able to experience things as Abigail. I flew to NY on my own. I will miss being 21. 21 was the year I was on my own! Now I will be 22, and I can't wait for what's in store for me, but right now. . . Something is out of place. I do not want that something ruining my beautiful year! One more month, that is all I am asking! ONE FREAK'N MONTH! 

So whatever is going to hurt me, whatever is going to finally be in place but will more likely kill my soul, whatever is going to make me feel like an inexperienced new-bee adult, you better BACK OFF! Stop trying to make me look for you! My ovaries can only take so much pain! 

Seriously! 21. That really is the prime time! Sure I can drink who cares!  Sure I can walk into clubs! I don't need that! Sure I can do a lot of stuff that go against my moral standards.. But 21 for me means finally... being able to be myself! So this is me being me! I am going to please MY SELF! My pink princess is right! My heart cannot take anymore pain! I have had enough! 

21. I will miss being 21. I don't like when things are out of place. It drives me crazy! My mind does not stop! Scenes keep replying in my head. I heard things that I did not want to hear (yet i needed to) and that keeps being scribbled in the notebooks of my mind. Notebooks that never erase the words said to me. One more month. One more month. Then you can ruin another part of my life. Just one more month! Please and Thank You. 

What's the meaning of this?

"In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different." -Coco Chanel 





Biologically speaking, no two human beings can be the same. Not even twins. If I stamp my thumb print and you stamp yours, they will appear to be the same, but the closer you study them, you will conclude that they are not. Now I know Coco Chanel was not talking about DNA codes... all though I do wonder if she knew about it. That's not my point... my point is, how different do you have to be in order to become "irreplaceable" and why would you want to be "irreplaceable"?
In what way... would you want to be "irreplaceable"?
Who would want to replace me? Who was Coco Chanel feeling this "replacement" from?
Because the more I think about it the more I say, "well... if I have a job that pays well, gives me great hours and amazing benefits then I will work as "DIFFERENTLY" as possible for me NOT to be replaced. But if I have a friendship in which there is no joy then by all means replace me!! Or even so... that means I can replace anyone as well.

Coco Chanel's  quote leads me to mine,  "In order for me not to replace you... you must always be "irreplaceable" - Abby Love

 So like I said... Two people can't be the same. But psychologically speaking, two people can be compatible. True friends can be difficult to find. But when you have them, they are naturally "irreplaceable" So I start to think and meditate, which of my friends have tried to stay by my side? It takes 50/50 for a relationship to work smoothly, but after a while of doing 75/25, people become tired. The friendship becomes hard work rather than cultivate love; key word "willingly". So who are my true friends?

1. People who share my beliefs and moral standards but that also prove their faith
2. People who tell me what I need to hear rather than what I want to hear
3. People who accept me for the way I am and are not bothered my my laughter, my smiles or moodiness
4. People who don't want to be replaced

Those are true friends, and I'm happy to know that I have a couple who fit all 4. <3

Ps: its 2:34 in the morning.
Pss: oh oh oh and I love it when I don't see a friend for years and when we do, its as if we never said goodbye! <3 <3

Her name? Dawlat

     Here is a story no one knows...

     January 2002, my family and I made a trip down to California for a wedding that was long anticipated. During that trip I made new friends. Yovani, Jacob, Some chick, and Dawlat. Yovani was an awkwardly tall, thin and cute boy that had a massive crush on Some chick. But Some chick was massively in love with Jacob. Some chick was skinny, pretty, and her hair was a perfect color of honey, mixed with the sun rays of California. I didn't like her because she was perfect and because Jacob was madly in love with her, while chubby ol' me was in love with him. (In my defense, he was REALLY REALLY REALLY cute) 

     As we kept getting to know each other, they would complain about a girl who was weird. She wore overalls (which in my time were super lame) old fashion clothing, her hair was nappy and her glasses did not work in her favor. Apparently she did not have friends, because she was not good enough to have any. At least not good enough for them. After hearing so many negative things about this "creep" I wanted to witness what this horrendous thing was all made of. 

     The day finally came for me to meet this so called "Dawlat". Truthfully, all I saw was a girl, with curly hair wearing glasses and overalls, and she was smiling. So I began talking to her and to my surprise, she was AWESOME!! Nothing like the things Ive heard. She was so funny, sweet, and cheerful. She would admit her awkwardness. It's because of her, that I know how to embrace your flaws and flaunt them. They were a part of her and that was who she was. Her name? Dawlet. My new best friend from far away. I was so excited to have made her my friend, of course the rest of the kids didn't like me after that. I couldn't understand why she was picked on by them so much. Dawlat was just like me, all that was different was the outside. She was tall and skinny while I was short and stubby. Leaving California was really hard for us. We grew to love each other in such a short amount of time. We even wished we lived close to each other so we could be friends forever! But that couldn't happen, so we stuck to the next best thing which was. ADDRESSES. 

     That's right, not phone numbers, not emails, there was no texting.. All we had where... HANDWRITTEN LETTERS! I was extremely excited to finally have a friend live far away. My sister had friends from all over the world so, me having a friend a couple of states away made me feel close enough  to be like my sister. As we began writing to each other we would mention how much we would miss one another and how the next time we see each other we will do so many fun things! I would write about school and how hard it was getting and she would reply "don't worry, you will be fine, you are smart!" She would explain how she would be bullied by her friends or classmates. That would make her so sad, and me being far away made me feel unhelpful, but I would do my best to console her through my writing. 

     One day, she wrote me a letter, and I couldn't believe what I read. This time the bullying had gone too far. I wanted to hurt all the people making her feel bad, because she was my friend and I knew that if they gave her a chance, they would grow to love her as much as I did. It was  now my turn to write, but as time went on, I would leave my letter to the side, promising myself that I would get to it. When my letter was finally written, I would take forever to send it. After 2 or 3 weeks I finally sent that stupid letter. 

     I wouldn't hear from her. 

     One day, I got home from school, and I went to my sister's room asking "Has anything come in the mail for me?" She replied "Abby... Please sit down" So I did. She then said "Your friend is dead.." To me that was the worst joke anyone could have ever said to me. Of course she is lying! Of course I didn't believe her!!! Next I ran to my mom's room and told her the cruel joke I just heard. My mom's words were "Mija, your sister is not lying to you" 

     She was on a road trip with her uncle, aunt and baby cousin. It was a severe accident, and only the uncle survived. 

     Dawlet's mom received my letter, and for the privacy of her daughter did not want to read it. But in the end she did. Her mom felt glad to know that, despite the distance, Dawlet had a friend who she could count on. My letter was to apologize on how long it had taken me to write to her. I consoled her for all the bullying she went through, and told her how much I cared and loved her. Her mom was very thankful to know that a friend so far away cared so much for her daughter. 

     Her name? Her name was Dawlat. She was 12 
     She never read my stupid letter. 
     I was 11, I am now 21, and I could never have the courage to respond to the mothers thank you. 


     For some reason. When I think of Dawlat, I picture her in the back seat. Looking out her window towards the sun. Very peaceful. The rich sun rays beaming on her skin. More beautiful than any perfect color of honey mixed with the sun rays of California hair. 

     Her name was Dawlat, and I lost my first far away best friend. We were suppose to be best friends forever. But now, she is stuck being 12, and I am jealous of her because of that. 

I'm sorry. 

Dear Pink Lady

This blog is for another blogger that is a dear friend of mine. She is a handful and believe me her thoughts are double that. But I still love her. 

Her life took an unexpected turn and for the moment its what is bothering her, she may say other wise but if she is blogging about it and telling me about it then it bothers her more than she will admit. Here is her story in summery from http://innerlooktothesmile.blogspot.com/2012/09/late-night-thoughts.html

"When I was a fish...I really liked talking to this friend even though this friend didn't, or maybe liked to avoid me...I started to share more personal info with this friend and we would talk about my teen problems because like I said, this friend was older and experienced. But then this friend would always tell me, "how come you only call me to talk about your problems or when you need advice or when you want help? how come you never call to say hi or to just chit chat?" 

 Well, it took five years for me to get it...

The roles have been switched. I am now my friend and I have another friend who is being me...  out of no where, the conversations got personal...  I'm not a life coach, I'm not a counselor, I'm not Dr. Phill or Maury. I'm not a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. I'm an English major college student that reads a lot and likes to think...  To my friend being the douchebag now, (bc they are not talking anymore) I'm tired of texting you and you not caring to carry out a conversation... I've always been busy but never busy enough to say hi or solve one of your life tangles. You hurt my feelings"  

When I read this I remembered the pathetic salad I was eating while I heard it first hand. I listened because I knew my friend needed someone there for her. At that moment a lot of things where going through my mind. I had many opinions, advice and comforting words but I couldn't seem to gather them in a way that I didn't have to say more than I needed to. I felt as if my thoughts where the horses and carriages of a marry go round and it was going 60 miles an hour. Round and round and I couldn't choose. (That tends to happen every second of my life..)  Well here is goes! 

Dear Pink Lady, 

      I understand you may be going through a ruff time with friendships. You may feel like some are fake, opportunists or in this case, take advantage of you. But if you think about your "wise friend" for a moment, you will notice how patient this person was. This person even opened their heart by asking why? And you ignored it, and not only once. It took you 5 years and a lost friend to realize what was going on. Even if you are 99.9% right all the time, it can take that 1% to be wrong and loose another friend. 

     Do not lose patients for those who reflect a personality like old pink lady. It is you who knows that personality the best, and you more than anyone will understand their way of thinking. Remember how nice it felt to have an older friend carrying for you and showing genuine interest in a, and I quote you, "naive. And immature. And childish. And bouncy. And stupid. And over-confident" HUMAN BEING. I understand this person your talking about is older than you, but that doesn't change the moral of the story. 

    I could say the same thing when my friends come to me for advice or just to vent. But I get happy when they do, because it shows me that they trust me enough, and they look for my words. But if someone felt that way towards me, I would feel really bad, because I would think that my friends would be there for me to confide in. If they weren't, then that would make me feel unsafe. And my feelings much more unsafe. Always remember, rejection is a horrible feeling. My friend told me once, "Abby, you don't need someone that doesn't love you" I would hate to make others feel like I am that someone that they do not need. 

    Do not confuse Love with Perfection. It is love that allows us to surpass the imperfection of others and understand situations. 
    1. Perfection
    2. Love 
    3. Faith 
    4. Hope

    Right now we need faith and hope, but once Jehovah's promises are fulfilled, all that's left and all that's needed is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 - "Now, however, there remain faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.' 

   I love you lots! And you know that!! <3 

                                                                                         Sincerely, Me  

Ps: I may be 99.9% wrong most of the time. But in this case I know that I fall in that last percentage. ;)  

I Had Starbucks Today

   This is horrible... extremely horrible. I don't know where to start! I might be going insane. UGH!....
I don't know what else to do! When I talk about it, I sound serious! But when I see what I'm doing to accomplish my goal, it's totally the opposite. You might be confused about what I'm talking. This is what I'm talking about.... LOSING FREAK'N WEIGHT! I mean.. To others I seem fine, my mom says I look better, but me? I look at myself in the mirror and I see a pig. I see the girl that struggled with her body for most of her life. And thats why I got a gym membership and since I suck at keeping diets I decided to put goals that I thought where easy to keep.
    
For the month of July I had three simple rules.

1. NO STARBUCKS
2. NO BREAD
3. NO SWEETS


   Let me explain how these three "simple" rules have nothing simple about them!


   Number ONE! NO STARBUCKS:

    If you don't know already, I'm a Starbucks lover. In fact! I wasn't a regular customer, I became a Gold Member... Because I was a "daily" customer. I still remember the first time I walked in to the Starbucks close to my school. Julio (the store manager) greeted me so nicely. He said hello and asked how I was doing that morning. I looked up, smiled and replied "I'm doing great! Thank You for asking!" He then paused and told me "Wow.. It's really nice seeing someone in such a great mood in the morning, and your smile tops it off" It was the beginning of a bitter sweet relationship. I later came across an old classmate from High School. His name is Matthew. Matthew was the kind of guy that I could count on every day to be there when I walked out of class. We where "walking to class buddies". It didn't matter how weird or crazy I was, he was always willing to listen to me. I actually would tell him how badly I wanted to lose weight. For two years he listened to my BubbleSmac about weight problems. When he saw me he was very surprised on how much I had lost weight and he was genuinely happy for me. It had been about 3 years since the last time we had seen each other and he didn't look so bad himself. After a couple of weeks I started talking to Valerie (another amazing Starbucks employee) She is a beast at making my favorite drink and the sweetest person I have encountered in a Starbucks. (Valarie and Matthew are now dating)
   My visits to Starbucks ended up going a little something like this. I would walk in and hear Valerie "HEEEY Girl!!!" while Matthew waves vigorously. By the time I get to the counter and start to order, I get interrupted by Julio because he already knows what I am going to order. Or who ever is working at the time jumps ahead and makes my drink before I even get to the counter. I'm a Starbucks lover, and my NO STARBUCKS rule has been broken....


   Number TWO! NO BREAD: America... America... America......... you suck... 

All of my Elementary, Junior High School, and High School years has had bread or breaded anything on the menu. Yes I could have made a better choice in my diet, but seriously.. What kid wants to eat vegetables over a Sloppy Joe? I remember the Sloppy Joes from my Elementary menu. Oh my goodness they where so amazing! Then you have the Pizza, Fried Chicken Chrispers, Pop Corn Chicken, Fried Spicy Chicken Sand-which.... DOUBLE THE BREAD! It doesn't matter what I do, I feel like everything comes breaded or with bread. And well.. I get TIRED of grilled chicken salads. Bread seems to love me more than I do it, and therefore my NO BREAD rule has been broken....


   Number THREE! NO SWEETS: 
Oh goodness...................................
Really? I am woman... Is there more to say? I am woman, and my NO SWEETS rule has been broken over and over and over and over. 

   I am seriously nutty in the noggin. I don't feel good about myself. I look in the mirror and I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel like the girl that weighed 170 pounds. I weigh 135 now and even though I have lost 5 lbs. I feel fatter. So I think "what good does that do if I can't even follow three simple rules (that really have nothing simple about them)?"


   I am seriously nutty in the noggin.

"Sweet Home Alabama"

     So I have been wanting to write but I didn't know what about. My friend told me to just get on the computer and write, easy for her to say... She does this all the time and I guess it becomes natural to her. I actually can talk a lot and make conversation out of any topic but I cannot sit down and write about whatever is on my mind because honestly, there is too much in there and I don't want you to get lost in it. Another reason why I haven't written anything is because ever since I came back from Chile in November, I lost my battery cable for my lap top. Apparently my cable wasn't the only thing I was going to lose. Ever since I can remember I have had this horrible habit of misplacing things. And to tell you the truth I don't remember more than half of the things I have lost. SO... If you EVER lose anything and DON'T miss it, then DON'T look for it because you DON'T need it. Now my computer cable on the other hand.... THAT is worth looking for. 


     Changing the subject! "Sweet Home Alabama" is on oxygen right now. And I forgot how cute the beginning was! The main couple where very young, around 10 years old and the boy kept asking and asking yes or no. Finally the little girl said "why do you want to marry me anyhow?" and he replied "so I can kiss you anytime I want" 

I paused for a few seconds and a smile followed after that. 



     Speaking of love! I met this guy one time some time ago. I can't remember the exact day, but goodness he was so handsome! I spotted him from across the room and my heart grew wings and flew away outside of my body! Was it love at first sight? I think not.. But I have eyes and I'm not blind and and and and well... He was good looking! When I finally got to talking to him, I could feel my face light up! My eyes dilated 45% because its proven!!! Your eyes dilate 45% when you see something pleasing! And let me tell you! He was PLEASING!!!! My lips couldn't have given the most cheesiest smile humanly possible! But we are friends now! So maybe one day in the farthest future I will express myself about the first time I lay'd eyes on him. And we will laugh and joke around about it. The sad thing is that I keep telling my girlfriend about it and she doesn't remember seeing him. And even though I describe how he looked, the confusing part is how many guys had similar clothing. Sigh.... OH WELL!! 


     So I guess I finally wrote a blog after a couple of months.